I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
