I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
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