Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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