Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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