so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
