jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
