Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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