Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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