I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
