Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
