Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
