She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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