I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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