I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
