I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
