Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
