I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
