gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
