I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
