Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
