that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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