How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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