now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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