Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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