You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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