I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
