1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Woke up backwards on a recliner
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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