Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
