If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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