New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
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