you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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