He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
you had me at cake vodka
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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