Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
and you fell through a lawn chair
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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