i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
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