Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
please don't ironically join a cult
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