Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
