Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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