i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
