She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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