A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
