every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
