All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
