If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
