Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
