At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
