Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
