he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
