We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
