is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
