Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
